A Beginning
If you wait until you know everything, it will be too late for you to do anything
– Xiye Bastida
Setting up a website is daunting.
In the grand scheme of things, it feels like a silly problem to have.
I feel like I’m grasping around in the dark, with nothing but my capacity to feel to guide me.
When I think about starting out in this space it feels strange. Imposter syndrome? I am so conscious of everything I don’t know yet. Of the things that I once believed to be true, and have since (painfully) begun to unlearn, and my deep insecurity of doing that in a public forum. Hypocrisy? I think of all the people who have been working on their craft or been in service to others for years, who have always known their calling, dedicating all of themselves to their passion, and can certainly “do it better”. Envy? I also think about how I am too late, many others have already done (fill in the blank) before me, there’s nothing exceptional about what I could offer…
All of those indulgent self sabotage words.
But equally strong is the desire to learn and share and engage in conversation. Everyone needs to start somewhere, so this is where I start.
The lesson I suppose is to be free flowing and give yourself grace to grow and change, and to avoid being rigid in anything.
“It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work,
and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.
The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is the one that sings.”
I’ve come to understand that doing anything imperfectly is to do it genuinely - a deeply revolutionary and rebellious act when you think about it. The more we see individuals as growing, changing beings, especially in the “wellness” space, especially in a “professional” capacity, the more permission we give ourselves to live authentically. I have seen this modeled in my teachers, in space holders, in local businesses, and it has changed my worldview.
“Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.” (Brene Brown)
When I thought about what format this would take, what platform to use, where to start, I froze in the face of it. Again and again. But I kept coming back to it.
I’ve recently taken a semester off my herbalism studies, which was a difficult decision to make (why pause the very thing I love the most?) but it couldn’t have been better timed. I needed space, I needed to integrate and to move away from books and back into nature to listen and to make for awhile, learning from the herbs themselves. And more importantly (the greatest challenge of all) be still for awhile.
I always come back to John O’Donohue:
“The earth is our origin and destination. The ancient rhythms of the earth have insinuated themselves into the rhythms of the human heart. The earth is not outside us; it is within: the clay from where the tree of the body grows. When we emerge from our offices, rooms and houses, we enter our natural element. We are children of the earth: people whom the outdoors is home. Nothing can separate us from the vidour and vibrancy of this inheritance. In contrast to our frenetic, saturated lives, the earth offers a calming stillness. Movement and growth in nature takes time. The patience of nature enjoys the ease of trust and hope. There is something in our clay nature that needs to continually experience this ancient, outer ease of the world. It helps us remember who we are and why we are here.” (Divine Beauty)
The previous winter was nourishing and satisfying in a way I didn’t expect, so much so that when spring came I wasn’t ready - I literally wasn’t ready to plant seeds for my garden, I wasn’t ready to go back into the world. It was the first winter I let myself have some semblance of rest, and it was so overdue. It was so different that I’m looking forward to what this winter will bring… Would have been nice to have a summer in between, though! Ireland had other plans.
When we create space in our lives, for stillness, for observation, ideas flow… and they need a home. I thought about all of the people I see that inspire me, especially locally, especially women, and all the questions I would love to ask them. If we set aside our scarcity mindset, along with the envy our ego will inevitably feel, what is left is reverence, questions and inspiration.
I’m also in a years-long unsuccessful struggle trying to separate myself from social media - great timing when you want to establish yourself professionally! Social media is another space where I feel rushed, that I’m not doing it “right” or progressing quickly enough. Endless comparisons. Content as fast food. But a blog and a newsletter feels like slow content. Away from the race. Something to be savoured.
“Find the word
that describes the wound.
Know the wound.
Honor the emotion
that encompasses the wound.
Cleanse the wound.
Awaken the light
That acknowledges the wound.
Heal the wound.
Allow the action
that absolves the wound.”
I came across the book Consolations by David Whyte through Maria Popova - I am a long time fan of her work The Marginalian. I am fascinated by the meaning and depth of words. I wanted to start there as a theme, something to focus my endlessly wandering mind (that loves a good rabbit hole). Words are funny in that they can mean different things to different people, different cultures at different times - so I thought these blog posts should be an interview then, reaching outside my singular experience and learning from other perspectives.
So that’s the plan. A series of posts that include a short interview, following the theme of unraveling the meaning behind a word. To dive deeper still, I turn to herbs and yin yoga, which help me on the journey.
It’s time we get to the why of things. Yin is teaching me this. What is the purpose of the pose really? Yin is not just a shape, it is working on so many different levels - or it can, if you let it. And herbs, what are they offering us? Not “what they’re good for” but how can they help us deepen our experience?
All of the quotes I’ve tucked away, all of the pages I’ve dogeared, all the posts I’ve saved because they shifted something in my soul, all of the questions I have… now they have a home. It might be irregular, it might change shape over time, it might make my future self cringe or feel endeared by my wide eyed innocence, but it’s a start. Thanks for joining me.
